How Permissive Were/Are Your Parents?

[petunia_843]

How permissive were/are your parents? What were you allowed to do and not do as a kid? What were consequences like?

My parents probably were the most permissive parents on earth. My parents were divorced at my age of 2, and I went back and forth between their houses. My dad was and is a substance abuser, and a womanizer, and there were no limits. My mother was pretty permissive, too. I could swear as much and whenever I liked, even at the tender age of 7. I could stay up as late as I liked, as long as I got up for school. I could watch whatever I wanted to on tv or go to R rated movies - in fact, my parents TOOK me to R rated movies when I was very little - from the age of 5 or so. I could read whatever I liked, including "The Joy Of Sex". Curfew? What's that? As a kid, I could stay out playing at my dad's house until 10:30 or 11 before he even thought about it. Most times we were at a biker or drug party where there were other kids of other partiers there to play with until 3 or 4 o clock in the morning. I could wear whatever I wanted - none of this "Should she wear a two piece bathing suit" stuff, miniskirts, hot pants, nothing was off limits. When I stayed with the set of grandparents I preffered in the summertime, there was no sex, drugs or rock and roll, but it was still pretty much no limits. I could drink coffee at the age of 4. Watch as much and whatever tv I wanted. Stay up as late as I wanted. Eat McDonald's every day if I wanted. In fact the only things I had to do as a kid that I didn't want to do were 1) clean my room occasionally - VERY occasionally, and 2) go to church with my dad's parents on Sunday mornings, which is something I absolutely ABHORRED. That's it.

A lot of people are shocked when they find out about my childhood. I've never met anyone that had a childhood that permissive, not even people with "creative" or hippy parents. It's funny though, to this day, I am kind of shocked when I find out about other people's childhoods. Like "What, they wouldn't let you wear a bikini?" or "What, you couldn't wear makeup until you were 16?" "Or, what, your curfew was 10pm?"

I don't know if I'll have kids - I'm 40 this year and the clock is ticking with no dad in sight, so I don't know. But if I were to have a kid, I don't think I would raise them as permissively as I was. I think with me it was to an extreme and not the healthiest. I think on some things I would be lenient, but on other things I wouldn't let a kid do what I was allowed to do as a kid. That's my take on it.

What about you? How permissively/restrictively were you raised? Would/are you going to change things up with your own kid or did you like the blueprint you were given? Also - for those of you with younger siblings - are your parents tightening or relaxing things with younger brothers and sisters that they didn't do for you?

[thompson]

I grew up in a pretty conservative home. My mom made it a priority not to helicopter parent, and I think she did quite well with that. But there were very strict rules. If your childhood was sex, drugs, and rock and roll, mine was vanilla ice cream--hold the hot fudge. No PG-13 movies until I was 15. No bikinis--ever.

I do think I had a pretty idyllic childhood. In a lot of ways, I think my mom was on the right track with protecting us from things we weren't ready for. I still don't think little kids should see violence or sex on TV that they aren't ready to understand or process. But I do think she took it a little bit too far in some ways.

I wish she had a let me make my own decisions more as I got older, particularly when it came to religion. That was never presented as a choice, and I don't think I really came to see it as a choice until my 20s. If I have kids, I will make it a priority to encourage them to make their own choices, to think about what they want and feel, and not always interject what I want them to do. Easier said than done, I know.
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[PurpleDoor]

I think my parents mostly had a similar style to thompson. They weren't really helicopter parents, but there were definitely "expectations" for behavior and if we didn't meet those expectations, there would be trouble. Honestly, I feel like it was probably a good thing overall and that they struck a good balance. It's funny now when I talk to my boyfriend, I think his parents were a LOT more permissive and he thinks some of my parents rules were conservative upper middle class overkill. For example, we generally weren't allowed to go over to a party at a friend's or to a boyfriend/girlfriend's house ever unless their parents were going to be there, and he finds this CRAZY. But, there were definitely kids at my HS throwing pretty crazy parties with alcohol and pot and all that and I can totally see why my parents instituted their rule. We also had way more restrictions around dating than I think he did, though the rules were pretty mild, mainly that again, there had to be a parent around if we were going to be at one house or the other, and my mom was NOT into the idea of a girlfriend/boyfriend getting to go upstairs to a bedroom. All that said, we definitely knew about sex, STDs, birth control, etc., so I think even though my parents were restrictive, they were not dumb or head in the sand about it. My mother had grown up in a very strict household with zero discussion of any of that kind of stuff, ever, and it wound up in her getting in some pretty bad situations once she left home. So I think she was really trying to strike a balance between protecting us from doing something stupid, and making sure we knew more than she had. At the time, I thought she was being an old fuddy-duddy, but in retrospect I have a lot of admiration for her for being able to pull it off as well as she did.

Stuff like makeup and clothing, I could do pretty much whatever, but my mom had no problem telling me when she thought I looked like crap! Like the time I thought purple lipstick would work well as eyeshadow...ahh, the 80's. My dad was also incredibly blunt...."did you put that on in the back seat of a dark car???". My mother did confiscate some t-shirts over the years when she felt they had inappropriate words/imagery, but nothing super crazy. I was pretty chubby as a teen, so had zero desire to wear bikinis or miniskirts.

Relative to my friends, my parents were a fairly middle ground...they mostly let us do our own thing, as long as we kept them informed about what we were doing. Some kids parents really seemed to let them do *anything*, and then might suddenly pop up every six months or so going "WHY ARE YOU FAILING YOUR CLASSES???", and then some parents needed hourly check-ins, wouldn't let the kids go out of town on overnight school field trips, anything at all. I generally got along pretty well with my parents and am terrible at keeping secrets, so yeah, they did know pretty much everything I was up to at the time.

Anyway, in conclusion, I do actually think the strictness was a good thing. It gave us some consistency, and it's nice to be able to say, "I can't, my parents would kill me!" when someone is pressuring you to do something you'd rather not do.

[bookselves]

[town hall]

I was rubbish at being a teenager, so I never really tested the limits of my parents' permissiveness. I always thought that not much would shock or outrage them; turns out I was just a goody-goody... However, they did let me do stuff like go to music festivals and gigs quite young, and they were quite relaxed about the odd underage drink or smoke of weed (which I barely did, but my brother did a lot). My youngest brother really put them to the test, and definitely found the limits of their tolerance on drinking, drug-taking and general bad behaviour.

The only thing I remember being not allowed to do was have my ears pierced. I had to wait till I was 12, by which time I had decided I didn't want them done anyway. Despite occasional periods of wanting to get them done, I still have virgin lobes now, and I'm thirty flipping two.
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[Meegie]

when I was younger, I didn't really have any rules. But I think the only reason it was that way was because I was always a really good kid. Throughout high school, I was a huge dork, so I never got invited to parties or wanted to rebel in any way - so my parents never made restrictions because I never really did anything that was worth making rules about...
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[Sewfie]

My parents were super permissive, but also a good bit neglectful. It's a weird mix. The only thing that my mom tried to keep me from doing was watch Silence of the Lambs before I was 10 (Amytiville Horror was okay though- I still have no idea why).
I had coed sleepovers when I was 15. I could drink (anything from beer to wine to everclear), smoke pot or cigarettes. I spray painted my room black (I didn't realize you could buy black paint haha)- my dad bought the paint for me. I basically went anywhere at any time with anyone as a teenager. Mostly because my dad would argue on my behalf, said that I could take care of myself (since my mom let my brother do whatever he wanted, specifically b/c he's a boy). My mom would get suddenly so overly concerned, but since she didn't seem terribly concerned about me normally, I just ignored her. There were never any consequences. Well, I got grounded once- but only because my dad was mad that my mom woke him up, not because I had left the house at like, midnight. They didn't enforce that punishment though.
Overall, I think I was a pretty good kid, given the opportunities to do some really stupid stuff. I think the combination of my parents' laissez faire attitude about, well, everything and my intelligence I never got in any serious trouble.
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[madgeylou]

from the ages of 5-12, i was basically raised by wolves and did whatever the hell i wanted. my mom died when i was 5, and my dad was usually working and/or drinking, so i spent a lot of time on my own. mostly i read and watched TV and daydreamed.

when i was 12, my dad got remarried to my stepmom, who was from a huge, tight-knit, italian-mexican-catholic family, and who had very different ideas of what family meant than i'd experienced up till that point. it was basically zero to 60 in terms of responsibility -- i went from being the youngest to being the oldest, and dad and stepmom started having babies almost immediately, and their crib was in my room. i had to take care of them a LOT.

i had learned to rely on my own instincts to a certain extent, but when the context changed my instincts were all wrong. so i got in all kinds of trouble because my stepmom's expectations were opaque to me. often, i couldn't figure out what she wanted from me -- meanwhile, she would think i was just being an obstinate ass. she didn't really get that i had actually been raising myself, and didn't understand all the assumptions she made about what it means to be part of a family.

"permissive" was not a word i'd use to describe any part of my 12-17 year old life. i wasn't allowed to date till i was 16 (halfway through junior year), and regularly got hit/chewed out for a couple of hours for crazy things like daring to drive 20 minutes to an away basketball game when my stepmom had assumed it was at home. not only was i not permitted to date / go to parties / stay out past 10, i wasn't even permitted to show my emotions -- if i "stalked away" whatever that meant, or slammed a door, or expressed my anger in any way, i'd get in even more trouble.

the only thing i was really allowed to do was participate in school activities, so i joined just about every club at school. this minimized the time i had to spend taking care of babies and scrubbing floors at home. starting when i was 13 and a freshman in high school, i had a running count of the number of days until i could leave.

now, i can look back and appreciate some of the structure that being part of a bigger family brought to my life -- i needed that. but, yeah, it was a borderline abusive situation and although i've made my peace with it, it would be great if my stepmom would ever acknowledge what a dick she was to me. but i've broached the subject and all she will admit is, "i wish i'd been more compassionate towards you." which i guess is better than nothing ...

[artichoke]

[caropop]

[kitchen]

my parents weren't the stereotypical hardass asian parents, but compared to most of my white friends, my parents definitely had more "rules". i have to say though, i lied to my folks a lot and broke rules and snuck out. i was given some freedoms but i "took the liberty" of creating more freedom for myself as well.

although i was the younger sibling, it's hard to say if my parents were more relaxed with me because my older sib is a dude and i feel like my parents were less worried about his physical safety. although my "lifestyle" was seemingly more rebellious than my brothers, i feel like he got a lot more shit than i did. he was a preppy jock and i was a weirdo punk rock nerd who wanted to bleach and pierce everything, go to shows in the city alone, and he wanted to go to play laser tag and drive around suburbia until 1am. the big difference was that regardless of what i pierced or how late i came home (or sometimes i wouldnt), i still went to work, did great in school, volunteered a lot, was always sober, went to swim practice for 4-6 hours a day and still managed to go to church on sundays. my brother would occasionally miss work, come home drunk, or fail classes, but he also seemed to lean more on my parents for guidance and discipline than i did.

it was a learning process of balancing freedoms & responsibility, for all of us. my parents say i was a fiercely independent child so by the time i was a teenager, they were just kind of used to me doing my own thing. not to say i didn't create any heartache for them... when i moved out the day i turned 18, it was definitely with my parents blessings, i think it was a sigh of relief for everyone.
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[Nemesis]

I was a kid who pushed the envelope in all sorts of ways, but was essentially a good, respectful, responsible kid.

We had rules in the house, but I see them now as more Respect than rules. When we (my bro or I) were going out, we had to say where we were going, who we'd be with and when we'd be back. I didn't really have a curfew per say, but I would ask what time I'd have to be home and often my mum would come back with 'What time do you think?' I'd hedge a guess that I thought we could both live with and I don't think she ever said no. That being said, if I was late for the time I said, I knew that I'd be in HUGE trouble. When I got home, I'd have to wake up my mum to let her know that I was home. I was never late.

I always had the latest curfew out of all my friends, so really once they were all inside I'd just go home too b/c it's no fun to hang out by yourself. Sometimes we'd be at someone's house and then I could stay out for my full curfew. My family was used as a bargaining chip for my friends - "Nemy's mum lets her stay out until 2am, and she's a teacher!" My mum being a teacher was seen as really knowing what you are doing with a teenager. :)

I was never told that I couldn't date or wear makeup. I just assumed that I would be in trouble for doing those things. (Not sure why I assumed this!) So, in Gr 6 and 7, I hid that I wore makeup - I'd put it on after my parents left for work. I never removed the makeup though, so really, I didn't do a good job of hiding it! I didn't date at all, but this was more due to the fact that I grew up in a small town and everyone felt like a brother, or your best friend's brother.

I wore some scandalously short skirts in my day, I'm talking almost ass cheek showing, and other adults would call my mum to check to see if I was allowed to wear those outfits. My mum stood by my decision to wear what I wanted. My mum also helped me to dye my hair fun colours just becuase I wanted to. Those things never mattered to her. I had amazingly good grades, I wasn't in trouble with teachers or the police, I was respectful, I made good decisions about friends, men and money, I was safe, I knew how to protect myself in terms of the big bad scary world and with men, etc...when you have all those things, who cares about what your kid wears or colours she puts on her body?
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[PrickleyPete]

I spent all of my teenaged years in the foster care system (facilities and children's homes, not an actual set of foster parents) so there were books filled with rules and policies, points, levels, staff members there around the clock, room searches, etc. Permissive does not enter that vocabulary.

When I was older and living in a small group home in a neighborhood with only five other girls, we got to do things like go out on a day pass with friends (if they came inside and signed a book). If you were even five minutes late coming back you got extra chores, allowance fines, and had future day passes restricted for a certain period of time.

In that environment you learn pretty quickly that following the rules gets you more freedoms so the smart kids will do what they can to stay out of trouble, get higher levels, more daily points for good behavior, and earn more freedoms.

Coming from a family with no rules or discipline and lots of bad things going on, it was very good for me to be in a place where the rules were written down and did not depend on someone's mood or whether they were drinking, yelling, etc.
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