Ah, boundaries. (update)

[agnes]

So some of you saw my post on the parents thread---and to those who responded, I really appreciate your support. :)

So! Long story short, I come from a family where dad is a creep, and victimized me when I was little, and mom is sweet and loving but also a needy, emotional basket case who works desperately to keep up appearances. I have tried to talk about the abuse within my family, but she shut me down and told me I was imagining things, accused me of not loving her, etc...
Hence, me moving far far away and limiting contact.

With a lot of help, time, and geographical distance, I am setting boundaries. Number one was that I do not have any contact with my father. Number two came last night..... my mom had been planning a visit out here this summer, but last night I emailed her and told her I didn't want her to come.
I kept it really short and simple---just said that I am working through some issues now, and I need time and space alone to do so. I am purposely not going to check the email address I wrote her from for a couple days. Because as a needy emotional mom who has just been disinvited from visiting her farthest-away child is inclined to do, I am pretty sure she is going to freak the f*ck out.

I guess I would just love some reassurance, Glitter vibes, etc.... I'm glad, relieved, and proud that I did it, but every time my mind crawls to My Mommy being hurt by something I did, I start feeling panicky. I never had any idea it would be so hard to tell her "no."

Eep.
--agnes
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[crazybones]

I think you made a good decision. It's difficult to have someone in your space at the best of times, and it doesn't get any easier when the relationship is problematic. You can always go visit her (and stay w/a friend or in a hotel) and then you can control how much time you spend there, and retain the healthy distance you wanted.
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[teak]

*hugs* i am proud of you for honoring to your needs.
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[caropop]

I never got around to responding on the other thread, but I did think a lot about you.

Good for you for taking that first big step with your mom. Good luck at handling it from here on out, but I always think that the first steps are the hardest.
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[bellydance]

agnes, it sounds like you did the right thing, and it also sounds like it was *incredibly* hard to do, so kudos to you for not taking the easy way out! Dealing with the immediate fallout of your decision may also be difficult, but it sounds like it will be a peice of cake compared to what may ensue if you *didn't* make that decision! Do soemthing nice for yourself in the mean time, and definitely avoid checking the email for now, like you said.
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[snoopy]

(((hugs))) Good for you!
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[VoodooToaster]

Good job! That takes a lot of guts!
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[edelweiss]

good for you! you did the right thing.
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[spiderlady]

That took real guts, agnes. I am proud of you. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
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[bettiepee]

good for you agnes for setting bounderies and honoring YOUR needs
the first steps are the freakin-hardest, but they build on each other, and the stronger you keep through them, the easier it will get later on.

[sugarlemur]

short'n'sweet. yes, you did the right thing. for yourself and her. and maybe she'll think about why you need distance. i certainly hope so.

[kitchen]

damn, you're strong! good for you and i hope everything pans out how you want it.
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[loomis]

wow...i wish i was as emotionally mature as you are...to face things head on like that takes courage. best of luck.

[At Peace in Limbo]

You definitely did the right thing. Good luck! Setting new boundaries with family members is always hard, but it will get easier. I wish you well.

[Sleepyhouse]