educated responses to jackass comments about breastfeeding

[irish*eyes]

i am not a mother (hopefully will be one day.) i am a doula and childbirth educator and know a thing or two about the benefits and the beauty of breastfeeding. and yet i feel passionately about the subject enough to stick up for it, but too emotionally charged to make a wise comment that doesn't sound radical.

an example.

boyfriend's father and i had a huge argument in the middle of a fancy, quiet restaurant this past weekend. woman in corner discreetly nursing her babe, boyfriend's father says loudly how "disgusted" he is. of course i feel my face start to burn and i hold my tongue but he continues. boyfriend is squeezing my hand hard, his way of telling me not to say everything i want to say.

it doesn't work. i say what i want to say.

boyfriend's dad calls me a militant radical in response to me saying "you don't have much of a problem with breasts on television and billboards and magazines, do you? that's what they are for... to nourish a human being." he tells me "she should take it in the bathroom, or make the brat wait." i say "would you like to eat that steak of yours in the bathroom?" then he gets really loud and he says "would you flash your VAGINA around in public?!? sex organs! it's the same thing!" at that point i said a lot of things that were more emotionally charged than factual, i was so mad. one of those things being that he is a misogynist who is threatened by women's ability to use their breasts in a non-sexual manner.

not good for family relations!

how do i go about making a well-spoken case about breastfeeding in public? have you as a breastfeeding mom had to defend your breastfeeding rights?

as i said, i may not have any credibility here because i have never breastfed. but i still feel the need to speak up when comments are made. maybe i should be a lactation consultant...
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[blissed]

Yikes, sounds fun... but thanks for sticking up for her! Not easy to do. I never had anyone confront me, but I kept a copy of the state law protecting my right to breastfeed in public in case the opportunity should arise. I have had polite, barely acknowledged disagreements with other moms who think certain situations aren't "appropriate" for breastfeeding, and I've made my case for my decisions but never to someone so... hostile.

Obviously, your boyfriend's father probably won't change his mind based on anything you say. You of course make all the good points. When I do find myself discussing it, I usually end up casting it as a matter of convenience and manners. I'll ask, well, what else should mom do? He suggests bathroom or wait. If she waited, the baby would scream and be more of a disruption than the act of breastfeeding apparently is for people like your bf's dad. As for the bathroom: It's dirty and uncomfortable, of course, and most places don't have extra seating -- should mom take a stall out of commission as well? Icky for mom and baby, and an inconvenience for anyone else trying to use the restroom.

But honestly, I don't try engage people like that. If they aren't interested in debating something civilly and rationally, I make my points simply and briefly -- much like talking to my 2-year-old -- so I can live with myself and then, if we're not getting anywhere, I drop it. The worst part of arguments with people like this is that the more you argue, the more you end up reinforcing his twisted world view.

Sorry, not much help.
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Trying to change the flavor of the days
...But oh this time the sugar was dazzling

[ragazza]

How absolutely horrible, just reading that made my blood boil so I'm not surprised you found it hard to keep your cool.
I've also never breastfed, although I fully intend to do it proudly wherever the hell I need to once my little one arrives in May. I think the point you made about the gross double standard of 'breasts=sexual titillation=fine, breasts=functional=disgusting' is exactly the one that needs to be made to men like that. I think, unfortunately, the key to making a well spoken case for anything is to keep your cool, and that's so so hard when you feel passionately about something and you obviously aren't getting through to the other person. I relate totally.
Also, never having breastfed absolutely does not make you unqualified to speak out about this. You are a woman, you have breasts and know what they are for, intend to use them for it one day, and want to make sure you have the right to do so comfortably. In fact, even a man who can see this has every right to speak up-it's a human right for babies to be able to eat wherever and whenever so it should be defended by anyone and everyone. I've been really impressed with my boyfriend recently for already standing up for breastfeeding in public, even before ours is born. He actually got into a bit of an argument with women at his workplace after they said how disgusting and embarassing it was to see someone breastfeeding on a bus. I was so proud!
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[jayne]

wow. what a charmer.

i feel your frustration! i am also an enthusiastic supporter of breastfeeding *wherever* mama and baby happen to be when the little one gets hungry. i find that i make my most effective arguments when i can stay calm and non-reactive to whatever blowhard i'm dealing with. it also helps to remember my audience and use little words if need be, like when they're being really tiny-minded. beyond that, i have to just dismiss such obtuseness as "typical american oversexualized weaned-too-early" behavior and take pity on their limited world views.

i really think that the problems related to all these babies fed on the nasty stuff in formula and also weaned too early/not breastfed at all are much larger than we even realize. allergies, poor health in general, obesity, addictions, mental illness- much of these could all be related to this basic need for nourishment and love going unmet. flame away, but i really believe there's a strong correlation, at least in some cases. it's so sad and wrong.
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[Mavis]

[happyapple]

Thank you for standing up for that woman.

I am fortunate enough to live in a city where it is completly normal to see a woman breast feeding.

If I was ever questioned I would say "It is not that it is my right to breast feed, but that it is my child's right to eat."

[delqc]

Thanks for standing up! That's a hard thing to do, but is very important!

You made your point well, I think. Other people's reactions are their problem. Of course if you can keep your cool that's even better, but keeping your cool in the presence of an asshole is pretty tough.
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[merededeux]

I never had anyone give me a hard time. I do get asked all kinds of strange and stupid questions, which I answer honestly.

I think it's all just stupid. And comparing a nursing mother to a woman who's flashing her vagina is very ignorant.

Is your boyfriend's father religious? I can send you links of Jesus breastfeeding. Is he cheap? I can give you a cost analysis of breastfeeding versus formula feeding. Does he like or hate the U.S. government? I can give you wasteful spending numbers in terms of formula (WIC) and government health insurance rates for the number of asthmatics and obesity associated ailments. I can give you so many reasons that breastfeeding is better, on top of the health benefits.

I hope if my daughters decide to have children, breastfeeding will be the number one way mothers feed their children. As it is now, in the U.S., the number drops to something like 13% at six months.

[a_post_it_note]

I would've been FUMING if I were in your shoes! I just don't think you can give rationalized educated reasons to a person who is "disgusted" and has an opinion based entirely on a gut reaction. He is not being reasonable. Some people just have a stick up their butt about these things! I probably would've told him "Sounds like you have a personal problem."

My SIL is part of the La Leche League and was recently interviewed on MSNBC about that incident where a woman was kicked off an airplane for breastfeeding. She did not have any "educated" reasons except to say it's natural and people need to "get over it". Hee hee, we're so proud of her! Maybe in a longer interview, she would've elaborated.

Also, is there a law in your state that protects breast-feeding rights?

[jasmineT]

I wonder if it's this attitude that makes Americans have an f"ed up relationship with food. I prefer to feed my baby without them feeling like it's something to be ashamed of. People need to get over it. We never would have survived as a species with the attitudes that some people have.

(and the vagina comment... next time he sees someone with a vagina or penis that was designed to feed someone- let me know- I'd love to see it!)
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we're still awesome (and by awesome, i mean dorky but supportive) -the boy

[LooseyMama]

A baby's right to nourishment is more important than a stranger's right to ... whatever. Let him turn his head if he doesn't like the view: nobody's pushing HIS face to her breast.

And yeah...

[frenchdots]

[slowgraffiti220]

i think that you did a pretty good job with the comments you made, considering that the guy sounded like he just wanted to be a big jerk about it either way. and yeah, i don't think you need to have breastfed to defend someone else's right to do so... human rights are everyone's concern, and to me, that's what it is.
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"[he] discovered the truth that the truth never loses its rights..."

[xuli]

Um, so this is totally none of my business, but if I wanted to have kids, and if I was dining with the man who (presumably) I wanted to have them with, and if his father made those jerkoffish comments, and if my boyfriend/potential future co-parent did anything other than chime right in with me, being "wise" and "well-spoken" would be frankly quite low on my list of priorities.

I'm surprised and disappointed by this story, because my mom was a big breastfeeding activist back in the 70s and is a doula/lactation consultant now, and all I hear from her and my sister since my nephew was born six months ago is how wonderful it is that society has changed so much that my sister has not gotten a single comment for whipping it out in public whenever her baby gets hungry. And this is on the rural Georgia / Alabama border, so considering that you're in the Bay Area, wow!

But I don't think becoming a lactation consultant will make you more eloquent on this or any other topic. In my completely unbiased-by-a-complicated-relationship opinion, my mom the lactation consultant rarely makes logical or rational arguments about anything :)
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La injusticia de este mundo es mucha, y es mucha la ignorancia que pasa por sabiduría. – José Martí

[BlueJedi]