Tell Me It Will Be Ok

[silveraven]

Hi Glitter
I am 7 months pregnant with my first and having a bit of a freak out about this whole thing. I know my life is about to change forever and while I'm excited and happy, I'm also beyond scared. I have a sense of trepidation, in that it's all going to change and somehow I quit being me. And, I worry how it will change me and my husband. I worry about dumb stuff like, "Will I ever get to sleep in again?" or "Will I still have free time?" I'm having trouble seeing the transition from introverted, independent, carefree me to "mommy me." And I'm sick of the tongue-in-cheek comments about how I'll never get sleep, how a simple trip to the grocery store will no longer be simple - these comments scare me! I just need to hear that it's going to be OK and that if anything, it will be better (hopefully) than I ever imagined!

[Figwit]

I think my life is different (very very different) but better with a baby.

I get more done because I understand time more intimately - no more dicking around mindlessly on the internet for hours when you have an infant. Sure, in the beginning it's an adjustment, but I absolutely love being a mom. I think I'm more creative, healthier, and more active now that I have a baby who is watching me and modeling my behavior.

But no, I haven't gotten to sleep in. It's alright, though, because I value sleep more and consequently changed my habits to match. We cosleep and breastfeed all night long, so my babe is a great sleeper (most of the time, anyway). I also wear him constantly so I can get stuff done.

It will be alright! It's hard in the beginning because suddenly you have NO TIME FOR ANYTHING BUT BABY, but it gets better and better. Also, your babe is able to do stuff and entertain themselves and ahh, it's awesome. Totally awesome.
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[cake]

I can say pretty much the same as Figwit. Honestly, I think a lot of the doom-and-gloom "advice" really only applies to the immediate newborn period. Because yes, your baby is waking up every 2 hours, and you're really tired, and you're new at everything and there's a learning curve. But it gets better. You figure out all the day to day stuff and it gets much less daunting. When they can sit up and then crawl and entertain themselves a bit it feels like a revelation. I don't even think twice about going out and about with my son now; I just throw a diaper in my purse and go, and I've been doing that since about month 3. You learn to maximize what free time you do have...I used to be the queen of procrastination and now I get shit done when I can. Try not to worry about what "they" say you should be doing; do what keeps you sane and gets you sleep. It will all work itself out.

You'll be okay!! You can do it. Almost 11 months into this parenting gig, I can say I definitely feel like myself. Only, I'm typing this with a little almost-toddler lying on my lap, alternately nursing, babbling, and trying to shove his finger up my nose. It's indescribably awesome.
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[cmightym]

what figwit said. seriously. she's good at explaining my thoughts before i have them.

my friend matt told us when i was pregnant liv that having a baby isn't life-changing, as we'd been phrasing it, but life-enhancing. i can't express the experience better than this. in my experience being a mom makes everything better. yes, logistics are harder to manage, and no, i don't have vast expanses of free time, but it's fine because everything is also better. it's almost like a heightening of the senses - like how brownies are good, but brownies when you're high are SUPER good. being a mom makes things SUPER good. all that cheesy shit about not knowing what love was before becoming a mom has been true for me, and i'm grateful to get to experience that even on challenging days.

it's going to be o.k. and, though it might not feel like it every moment of every day, it's going to be awesome.

xoxo
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[Chupacabra]

It's going to be ok!

All the things that everyone else said, for reals.

At about 1 week I strapped my (non-colicky, much respect to parents who dealt with colic) kid on to me and off we went. People were always very surprised to hear I was out and about so much with the baby, but then again, these were the people lamenting the loss of their lives after becoming parents.

Also, if you have a partner or friends or family (you mentioned your husband) to support you and tag team baby care with, it makes a world of difference.

Be flexible, don't expect too much from yourself, and don't expect your experience to be like anyone else.
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[Crumb]

Motherhood is, by far, the most transformative thing that ever happened to me. The learning curve is a bitch, and loving someone that intensely makes you incredibly vulnerable. Literally every single part of my life changed when the Crumblette was born, and not all of the changes were positive. And all the neuroses you have before your baby is born can really be magnified in some truly spectacular and unexpected ways.

But.

Becoming a mother deepened my appreciation for all the best parts of being alive. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love my daughter; I love her so much sometimes it physically hurts.

I love my husband more than I did before the Crumblette was born, because he made that remarkable child with me, and all the things I love in him, are in her.

And the purity with which kids see and experience the world is...I really can't describe it. But it is such an honor, such a deep and abiding privilege, to see the world through her eyes and help her learn to navigate her way.

Mothering is hard, and it's awesome, and it's beautiful even when it sucks. Because the sucky parts end, but the love just abides and expands, and refines everything in your life.

It will be ok. :)

[WorkAndPlay]

Not a mom but just chiming in to say that it's going to be okay!

I wrote some more, but I'm not a parent so it seemed a bit weird to just go on about how my friends all have these awesome babies and they're doing fine and whatnot. So I'll just leave it at this: my friends are super special people to me, but they're not really superheroes of parenting or anything. And yet they've all figured it out. You will too. It's going to be fine. From what I've seen (as an outsider to parenting), the good stuff completely cancels out all of the annoying, barfy, sleepless, weepy times.
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[LooseyMama]

[kneesocky]

It's going to be okay. Honest.
I had all the exact same worries you mentioned...
I'm a really social person who spent loads of time OUT with friends, but I also really, really need time to be just me, alone, and I was so scared that I'd lose that, and in turn, lose the things I liked to do that made me me... and yeah, at the beginning, that did happen & it worried & scared me, but like a couple people have mentioned, that's the very beginning, when you're just finding your way down this new path.

While I'd be freaking out about not feeling like myself (body issues, constant nursing & pumping, ALWAYS holding the baby, not sleeping, no time to knit or just stare into space....), G would remind me: She's one of *us* we just have to keep living like we've always lived, show her how our family works, what we do day to day, how we handle things, and she'll fall into step.
So, after the initial "OHMYGODMY*SELF*ISGONE!" freak-out, which lasted a couple of weeks, I think, we did just that - we lived. Like we did before but with some adjustments (like earlier bedtimes & maybe less booze). I have a pretty laid back kid & I honestly think it's because I calmed the heck down, began treating her as part of our family, not this tiny party-crasher & now she understands the rhythm of our family.

When I was pregnant, I got a lot of people saying 'Enjoy 'blahblahblah' while you still can!'- they'd paint this incredibly grim picture of parenting.. like I'd suddenly be thrown into this cold solitary world where I just like, handed over my personality & became simply 'MOTHER TO FRANCES'. That didn't happen. I'm still me.
Of course there are things I can't do in the same way as before, but honestly, as cliche as it sounds, it's true: being a parent is BETTER than those things I thought I'd miss so much.

(but yeah, no sleeping in like I used to....so...rats to that)

[silveraven]

Awww, I just read over all the responses and I want to say a big thanks! It is comforting to hear from others who have gone down this road. There are times when I am over-the-moon excited and happy and then others when I seriously just break down because I wonder if I am going to regret this life-changing decision (damn hormones!). So, hearing from a bunch of people I respect and consider wise (that's all you guys!) is so reassuring!!! What I like, too, is that nobody tried to placate me and tell me there wouldn't be some rough times. I need to hear from the trenches, too, I guess! And, my greatest fear has been that I will somehow quit being "me" and all of your responses have kept me in check, there. Especially Kneesocky - I really like how you said that the baby isn't just some little party-crasher, it's now one of "us." And Crumb, thank you for helping me see that this can bring me and my husband closer - I already feel it has but I always get negative war stories from people, too. I will be coming back and reading this thread everytime I start to have a panic attack. Thanks again, everyone!

[Tyr5678]

i not a mother but i have taken psychology and upon reading about kids and having them i found out that when you have a kid it does not change who you are. you are still your self but just with a kid. sure they can be hard to raise and cause issues but you will be able to work through that. as for free time you and your husband could take turns watching you child at night. like one day you sleep in and he gets up and takes care of the baby and that night he also takes care of it then the next day you get up and take care of the baby as well as that night. then you repeat this for a while. and just take turns.

from reading on other posts i read that having a kid can be fun, for you and your husband. there kinda like a marrige i say that because there not only a joy but a bonding experience between you husband and you.

i hope i helped i kinda replyed late.

[ruggedchick]

You will sleep in again. Sometimes it feels like you will never ever sleep in again, but you will. You'll still be yourself. However, in my opinion (and I don't know if I'm wording this correctly, don't want to offend anyone..) you have to be laid-back enough to ALLOW yourself to be yourself. Does that make sense? YOu just have to be like "OK, I have this kid now, but if I want to go to the bar tonight and have drinks with friends and you know what? That's OK and my kid will be just fine with (babysitter name here) and I will have fun and my kid will have fun and it will be great." I'm not saying being "you" is going to the bar, ha! But, you know, whatever. You can still do the things you love.

I guess the biggest change for me was the sleep thing. I still got enough sleep after the first 3 months, it was just an adjustment that weekend mornings were not quite the same anymore. Still not really used to it, I still grumble about it.

For what it's worth, I take my son to the grocery store with me every single time, pretty much. He's 2 and a half now and I have never once had any sort of issue with it. No tantrums or anything like that. (knock on wood). Also I found I had MORE time to dick around on the internet with an infant as opposed to pre-infant, when I was working full time!!

I consider myself extremely introverted and independent, and I've made it work. In fact I hope I'm raising an introverted, independent little boy!

You'll be just fine.
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