Open Letters - 2012

[agnes]

Dear Singing Nun,

I love you! How are you so interesting? I found your record in a thrift store yesterday and I listened to it twice today. I love that you were a Dominican sister from the exact same era as the Dominican sister I worked for in library school. I'm sorry you and your lesbian lover killed yourselves together thirty years ago. I will treasure your album.

Bisous,
--Agnes


Dear Oakland,

You had a terrible day. Hugs; I am glad to be a part of you.

--Miss A


Dear kids at my library,

Yes, you little bastards, you are going to learn how to bake. And I am hoping my coworker will seriously get down and teach you woodworking! Video game day's days are numbered!!

--the librarian who thinks video game day is too much stimulation for every week and you don't need it anyway because you all play games together on the computer and just treat video game day like Catty Middle Schooler Bullying Day
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Well, at least I wasn't the one who puked on the floor. --greenbean

[daircroi]

Dear Glitter,

Three things: 1. Sometimes when a performer needs to wear a microphone battery pack and is going to sweat, we of the stagehand ilk will encase it in an unlubricated condom for safety. 2. I am the only girl in my department at work. 3. I have a really good relationship with my boss and coworkers, which allowed me to send the following message. I submit this for your enjoyment.

[xiola]

Hey Agnes - I didn't know any of that about The Singing Nun. My mom had her records, and I grew up listening to her. Huh.

Daircroi - NICE!


Dear Universe, Technology, etc.,
Thank you for making sure I got that email when I did. I was just about to give up, which you already know, and now I know I don't have to.
Also, I don't know why registering for college classes is like trying to get concert tickets - classes are already almost full before registration even starts, you have 90 seconds to actually register once it begins, minutes later all classes are full and you end up on a waiting list for months... Anyway, thanks for actually allowing me to get registered this time. That was surprising and exciting.

Woowoo and all that,
X.

[Crumb]

Dear Boss:

When I ask you what I need to demand while drafting a demand letter, "satisfaction" is not a sufficient answer. Unless, of course, you want me to challenge the other side to a duel. Which I'm happy to do, especially if it means I get to smack someone with a leather glove, but I need just a bit more direction than that.

Signed,
Your Faithful (But Not Precognitive) Paralegal

[Figwit]

[Barbeegrrll]

Agnes- We had the Singing Nun album at my house when I was growing up! My Mom is French Canadian and Catholic and I think my Dad thought she would love it. I think he loved it, because we listened to it often!

Xiola- Funny that you had that album growing up too!

Now I'll be singing "Dominque" all day long in my head!

[daircroi]

Where does he work, Figwit?
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And it was messy, but we were drunk. Story of my life, I guess? --oohlala

[drainCosmetics]

[daircroi]

Dear dC,

As a lighting gal and novice live sound tech, I have a deeply vested interest in keeping sound people happy. (Naturally this includes taking the piss whenever possible. And if it allows for making ribald jokes at work, so much the better.)

Love
daircroi
_________________
And it was messy, but we were drunk. Story of my life, I guess? --oohlala

[tinyrock]

Hey old friend,
It's really, really hard for me to set my expectations low enough to keep in touch with you. You visited my city last weekend, which I learned when you tweeted that you were getting on the plane to come here, and it hurt my feelings that you hadn't told me. You did eventually get around to contacting me, by texting at 7:30 pm Saturday telling me where you were going to be. I'm kinda glad I was out of town. I won't be going out of my way to see you when I'm in your city in a few months - you complain about how stressful it is to plan things a week in advance, and sometimes flake out even if it's planned closer to the date. I'm sad that I'm so unimportant to you.

Goodbye, I guess,

tinyrock

[spiderlady]

Dear T,
I'm sorry you're going to be away from the Mrs. for 3 months, clerking for a Federal Judge, but you DO realize this means at least one weekend this summer with A. you, B. me, C. Indianapolis, D. Beer, E. Desperately-missed conversation with my best friend? I sure do! Let's make this happen, K?
Hugs,
sl
_________________
"Now it has become clear to me, that it cannot be wisdom to assert the truth of one faith over another. The wise man makes justice his guide, and learns from all." --Akbar

[Lady_Stardust]

Dear Dr. R.:
Why did you think assigning hour-long presentations at the end of the semester was a good idea? I'm pretty sure I can fill 30 minutes, tops. That is, if I don't have a colossal panic attack first.

Dear friends who have started watching MTV's Teen Wolf because of me:
I'm so, so sorry.
_________________
Back in the '70s when disco & exorcisms were all the rage, he was the man.

[rawrlie]

dear cat named after a pirate i fell in love with today at petsmart:

I LOVE YOU. <3<3<3 you were so sweet and fluffy and i wanted to take you home so badly! the only things that are keeping me from doing so are the fact that we are hopefully going to be moving very soon and we have a rambunctious, gigantic puppy coming with us that needs some training before i'll be confident he can play nicely with others. but ohh, i want to snuggle you! i need to have a talk with the dude tonight, officially. because. well. KITTY. i'll try and send some sponsor money your way so you can have a posh life at the no-kill center until then.

dear dudepartner:
i'm sorry i bought clearance easter candy today at target and didn't share. or, uh. tell you about it. i'll extra share my japanese candy when it gets here, i promise.

dear tiny cute houses in the college neighborhood:
if i get to live in one of you, i will be the happiest girl ever. i will fill you with craigslist furniture and have brunches in your kitchen and plant tulips in the front yard and everything. so let's be friends, okay? okay.

dear good mood:
stick around, okay? i like it when you're here. :)
_________________
yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

[daysleeper]

Dear Cube Neighbor,

STFU. Stop singing, stop whining, and tell your friends to stay in their own cubes. You're making me want to bang my head against the desk.

Dear Other dude,

As much as I'd like to be friends, if you don't stop talking about the same thing over and over again I'm going to lose it. If you've noticed, I run away when I see you coming.
_________________
Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Blog!

[aliwa]

Dear cold,
Please please please go away, okay? It has been like this for a week. I'm starting to loose it at the moment. I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't walk, I can't read.

I'm constantly tired and I have work to do. So please, please be over soon! There can't be more snot in my body! I hope.

Sigh

//A
_________________
Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch