Explaining Death To A Two year Old

[ruggedchick]

My dad only has a few weeks to live. My son will be two on Wednesday. When my dad dies, how can I best explain it to Declan? He will definitely notice that Grandpa Bob is gone. When he asks about it, should I just say "Grandpa Bob died, and that means we won't see him anymore. He loved you so very much."

Is that honest and simple enough? Anyone ever had to do this?
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beefy and confused.

[LooseyMama]

I haven't had to do this myself, but my brother did with his daughter when our mom died, and yes, I believe your "script" is simple and straightforward enough.

I know that it pains you to know this, but D* most probably will not remember much about your dad in the long term, but because he has so many other people around who love him and who he loves, he'll be fine.

The bigger issue that will affect D* more, and for longer, will be seeing Mommy so sad. But you can remind him that Grandpa Bob loved you, too, and that you loved him and will miss him ... but that kisses and hugs from D* will help you feel better. And try your best to let that be true, to feel better with the help of this little boy's love.


Many, many hugs to you, Madelyn. I know this is so, so hard.
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"Struggle is obsolete." -- my friend Barbara

[Crumb]

I think your plan is exactly right, and I second loosey's comment about seeing you upset. All of his grown-ups are going to be sad, and you (the most important of his grown-ups) are going to be sad for a long time.

The two things I would add:

If anyone says something to D about Grandpa Bob being sick, be sure to tell D that it's different than when he gets sick, or when you get sick. D isn't old enough to differentiate between getting an ear infection and your dad's illness.

And be prepared for D to bring it up for a long time, at odd times, after your dad passes. Their little brains work in very mysterious ways and he won't process his grief the way that you will.

I love you, honey. I absolutely hate that this is a question you need answered.

[IrmaVep]

No advice, but like the others, my thoughts are with you and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

[milyssa]

[checkersumthing]

[jettesette]

big hugs rugged. i can not imagine how hard this is.

I don't know what your dad's energy levels are like these days and this may be something that would no longer work for you but have you seen those recordable storybooks at hallmark? Ell has one from his grandparents and I often think about what a treasure this may someday be for him.
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[pony j]

Oh lady. I think everyone above has offered great words of advice but this made me tear up. <3 I've been thinking of your family a lot and will continue to do so. Much love.
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dirtywestgeekwveveggierap

[gemma]

I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this at all.

I second Crumb's comment about trying to make sure he knows the difference between a cold that he might get and what's happening with your dad.

[Pearliepie]

Oh my darling, I am so sorry.

Some of my students still ask me regularly about my mom's death in a way that seems really cold/uncaring, but I think they're still trying to process it. I'm amazed that my five year olds who were in ECE last year still remember that Mrs. Pearl's mommy died and that makes her sad sometimes.

It was a bit different for me, because none of my students knew my mom, but the thing I figured out is that if they're asking the questions they're savvy enough to understand honest, open answers. I got a LOT of questions about what kind of sick my mom was, and what exactly did it mean that she was dead? Maybe Declan is to young for this, but the way I started explaining it is that our bodies are full of energy and when we die that energy moves out of our bodies and into the world. Like when plants die, the energy that was inside of their leaves and stems goes back into the dirt. Most of them really understood what I was saying, even the littlest ones, but some of them just seemed to file the information away to mull over later.

I'll be holding you all in my heart as you move down this path- please let me know if there is anything you need.
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even as we exhale it is inhaled by others
the light that shines upon me shines upon my neighbor as well
in this way everything is connected

[knittykat]

We were...I dunno if I'd call it "lucky" but we had a parakeet die about a month before my grandpa did. When the keet died we talked about the Rainbow Bridge, and how we don't know what's on the other side of it but I'm sure that the keet is happy and healthy over there.

When my grandpa died, I explained "remember when the parakeet died? and he crossed the Rainbow Bridge? Well, Papa died last night, and he crossed the Rainbow Bridge too. So we won't see him here anymore, but we'll always remember him and the good times we had with him."

and she went "Is he with my birdie?" and I said yes.

Periodically she will say "Papa Bob crossed the Rainbow Bridge, and so did my birdie." Like, she wants confirmation that that's still true. We nod and move on.

I chose not to have Maggie at the funeral. She was just about the age D was. She was able to understand people being sad but I figured that a whole room of adults sobbing could be pretty traumatic. I asked a family friend to take her for the day. After the funeral we had a dinner and I told her it was a party to celebrate Papa Bob's life. She came to the party and she seemed to process that pretty well.

Whatever you decide, be prepared for some sort of busybody to tell you you made the wrong decision. I had someone outright tell me at the funeral that I was wrong to have Maggie with a friend that day and that I should have her there to understand the "circle of life". Regardless of the choice you make, someone will think it was wrong, so stand your ground.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I, too, am so sorry you have the occassion to ask this question.
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"Fun is where you find it" - jackierocket

[snoopy]

Oh Rugged, my heart breaks for you. I think what you have planned to say sounds right.

My FIL passed away when Yoshi was 6 months old. She doesn't remember anything about him at all, but when she got older, we explained it as simply as we could. "Grandpa died when you were a baby. His body stopped working. We will never see him again." She was too young to comprehend it, especially since she didn't see my FIL on a regular basis because we lived far away during his illness.

We go to the cemetery a few times a year to "visit" him. Yoshi really loves it. She knows that he's buried there, that his body has decomposed and is underneath her. She likes to tell stories to him. She places flowers on the grave. She knows that he is not alive though, and can't really hear her. But she likes to imagine what it would be like if he were alive. A few months back she said, "I bet Grandpa and I would have been really good friends. We'd have a lot of fun together." Oh, my heart.

So, in her own way, she has a relationship with the memory of him. We talk about him often (almost daily) because he was such a part of our lives. She almost knows what kind of personality he had. And she knows that he loved her immensely.

Declan will know that too, that Grandpa Bob cherish him.
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[agnes]

Rugged, I'm so sorry.
I think your two-sentence script is perfect.

If he's two, I wouldn't stress about him becoming scared about being "sick"--at two he is probably far too young to extrapolate that *he* might die if he has a cold. It's around three that kids start to develop that fear of abstract bad things happening to them.

Snoopy, your story is beautiful.
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Well, at least I wasn't the one who puked on the floor. --greenbean

[bookselves]

You're an awesome mom for thinking so carefully about this.
I too am really sorry that this is happening for you.
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So, I have a blog now.

[scarymonster]

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry and sending you all so much love. I think everyone's advice has been great.

Kids deal remarkably well with stuff like this. Much better than we do as adults. Lots and lots of calming vibes to you and your whole family through this, M. <3