anger management me

[Milo]

Earlier this summer, I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years had been cheating on me with my friend and former roommate (which I posted about in Grown Up). And while I've made a bunch of steps in my recovery (like hanging out with people outside of my incestuous friends circle), I'm still ANGRY. I live 3 blocks away from her, and 7 blocks away from him, and we all have mutual friends, so I have run into them on occasion, which probably isn't helping my recovery.

A few nights a week I'll have dreams where I tell them off, or physically assault him/her. When I walk/bike around my neighborhood, my body goes into fight or flight mode and I visualize what I'll do if I happen to cross their path. (One day I did cross his path while walking with my best friend. We were walking the dog in our neighborhood, and he was leaving her house heading in the direction of his house.....DID I MENTION THAT MY HOUSE IS THE HALFWAY POINT BETWEEN THEM? UUUUGGHHH!!! When I saw that he was walking towards me, I just started laughing maniacally at him, and BF did the same, and he immediately DASHED across the street and put his head down and walked faster. A few weeks later he texted me Happy Birthday, and a week after that she emailed the museum where I work inquiring about our programs.

So while I'm doing my best to avoid them, they seem to be reaching out to me, and I do not appreciate it. So much so, that when I recently bumped into them at a party where they were making attempts to be in the same room I was in, I just lost it and started airing out their dirty laundry very loudly to a group of people I was talking to, "So then it turns out that he had cheated on me multiple times! Can you believe that?!? And she's MARRIED to someone she met from FACEBOOK the whole time! CRAZY, right!?!"

I’ve read a lot of woo-woo self help articles that advise me to release my anger and turn the other cheek or whatever, but I don’t think they deserve that. Standard breakup advice is that the best revenge is living well, but if they see me living well, that means they’ll think that what they did wasn’t so bad.

What I’d like to know is: How I can continue to be assured that they feel like terrible people while not boiling with rage all the time? Is that even an option? Are my only 2 options feeling angry which holds them accountable for their actions….or let go of my anger, which lets them off the hook?

What is the *right* thing to do when I run into them next time? What am I supposed to do when/if they try to approach me? When I think about these scenarios, I can feel my blood boiling, which has now begun to spill over from messing up my mental health to affecting my physical health as well. Anger management me, please!

[Snow Ghost Seven]

i don't know...hopefully someone else has some better advice because i think it's perfectly normal and healthy to be so angry, and it wasn't really that long ago. i would be pissed, too. i can see myself responding in much the same way you are, though maybe with less self control (i hope that doesn't sound like i'm advocating going all psycho on them, 'cause i'm not). i'm just sayin--maybe give yourself some more time. if you really think this is impeding on your sense of well-being, therapist?
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"I believe in safe spaces and everything, but eventually you got to let everybody who is cool into the party." John Cameron Mitchell

[gemma]

I don't really have an answers for you (I'm sorry!), but I wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I went through a very similar situation last year. Still really fucking angry. Hope you get some good advice here and start feeling better soon.

[gemma]

Oh! I did tell the girl (the ex's new girlfriend, my former friend, etc. etc.) to go fuck herself. That felt pretty good.


I'm all for being angry when people deserve it. But it does suck when it controls you, and I can see wanting to change that.

[eloquent]

[lozenge]

[quote="eloquent]Ignore them. Ignore the hell out them. Pretend they are invisible or that they never existed. Nothing steals someone else's "thunder" as much as becoming invisible, especially to someone they have wronged. Non-ciommunication is not implicit forgiveness.[/quote]

Experiment with outlets to release your anger: go for a walk or run, paint violent pictures, scream into a pillow, journal, play with kittens, go for a drive, keep trying things until you can find some release. Give yourself time to grieve.[/quote]

ooo this. after my dad died his ex girlfriend basically ripped me and my sister off estate wise by really sneaky and underhanded means.

i was and still am extremely angry with her. i think the first time i ran into her after all this happened she came over to say hello to me (as she thinks she did nothing wrong) and i completely blanked her. totally. and walked away (and i may have told her to eff off too). and i heard through the grapevine that she was so hurt by that cause she has no idea why i was so freaking angry and upset and embarassed because this happened in a mall.

it can be a long process to heal that kinda of anger or take the edge off at least (i am still very angry at her just in a less life consuming way) but i just keep reminding myself that she is not worthy of my emotions, time or energy and channel all that energy into something i want to do.

i also recommend

- letters that never get sent
- maybe some sort of kick boxing/boxing/self defence class. really good way to get agressive energy out

hugs and vibes

[inky]

[shimmer]

i, too, went through the same thing last year. even down to living at the halfway point between my former friend and ex's houses. this is probably not what you want to hear, but i didn't really get over it until i moved to an entirely different neighborhood. and i cut him off comepletely. no answering emails or texts. i told him to pretend i had died. and i had to do the same about him. and it was hard. but i finally let myself mourn. because in reality, the person i had known and loved was dead. he couldn't undo fucking my friend, so there was no going back. i also cut myself off from our mutual friends. i am starting to let them back in my life slowly, but they lied to me too. so, i had to make new friends outside "our" circle of friends.

anyhoo, all of this together helped me to finally let it go. i still hate him. HATE. and her too. but it's not a gnawing thing in my face everytime i leave my apartment. and i am so much happier now.

i'm really sorry you're going through this. i hope you can find some sort of peace soon. but i think living so close to them is really really detrimental.

[enzyme]

I had a situation with similar feelings, if not the specific circumstances. I was angry for so long - and we had thousands of miles between us, thank god. I found I just had to digest it. I let myself feel, I talked about it until I bored myself, and eventually it just became part of me. Then one day, I realized I wasn't angry anymore.

Don't get me wrong - I haven't dissolved into warm fuzzies, and indeed I hope I don't see him ever again. But it's just because there's no point in it, rather than because I'm afraid I'd get arrested for attempted assault.

I think it just blends with the rest of you eventually. It's part of your experience; eventually it just becomes part of the background. But I think you need time - and distance.

From what I've read, you've handled it well - I've had a couple "Oh yeah!" moments from your reports. I like the ideas given by everyone else - a good shunning does wonders for the soul. You can freak out inside, but the cold damn shoulder? It can be so satisfying if you can keep it consistent.

Good luck. When's your lease up?
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[caropop]

eloquent put it very nicely. Their feelings are out of your control.

And, I think that trying to control their feelings will likely only leave you in less control of your own. And those are the most important feelings here.


I didn't go through something quite so heinous, but I'm still carrying a lot of anger about what I went through. A lot. It catches me off guard sometimes. The best thing you can do is just move on for yourself. Ignoring them is best. If they continue to try and reach out to you in their ways, just tell them that you are angry, you are not okay, it will be a long time before you are okay, nothing they can do will do anything but make it worse for you, and you don't want to ever associate with them again. Just be blunt and to the point and walk away.


I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt by everything still.
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country cookin' makes you good lookin'

it's a blog!

[sugarlemur]

I would be more worried if you didn't feel seething anger. I think you need to experience that anger and try to work with that energy in constructive ways. And by constructive, I'm not discounting making effigies of these two dorkheads and defacing them, writing mean letters you never send, thinking thoughts of retribution etc. I think it becomes destructive if you act on these impulses in a way to actually hurt someone.

Just don't repress your anger - that's not working through and letting go, and it will fester and hurt you.

Physical exercise is great for burning off negative energy as is doing something creative.

And of course you have bad dreams about them. How could you not? Your mind is exorcising their toxic energy at night. It's disturbing, but ultimately beneficial, that you get this stuff out into your consciousness.

I think completely ignoring them is the way I would go. I've done this before and found it to be quite gratifying. The more you engage with them, the more likely you are to become embroiled in their brand of pettiness and the more likely you are to become further enraged.

[artichoke]

FWIW, and I know everyone's different, but I've seen how the blatant ignoring effects the guilty party and it seems to work pretty well, if that helps any.

[caropop]

To add:

A friend told me once that whenever thoughts of him came up, I need to actively put those into something else and she suggested cleaning. She told me, and I love this, "Scrubbing the toilet is better than giving him anymore of your energy."
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country cookin' makes you good lookin'

it's a blog!

[Milo]

[shimmer]

[quote="Milo]
Reading this makes me realize that I'm too focused on making them feel worse instead of making myself feel better. And I'm much better off now than I was 2 months ago, and I know I'll be even better in the future, but I'm still focused on how it hurts right now.

I feel better knowing that it's okay to be mad. I'm off to compose some letters that I don't plan on sending...[/quote]

this is important. do whatever you have to do to get through it, but you cannot control their feelings. even when i heard my ex was sad and trying to get his friends to talk to my friends to get that to me, i was still sad. (yes, i know how dumb that sounds. it was ridiculous.) writing letters to never send helped.

and focus on you!

hugs! this is so hard and shitty. but you will get through this. and when you do, you'll be so proud of yourself! promise!