what do you do with your S.O.?

[wannabekate]

Tiffany, what if you cut and pasted your last response in an email to him? What would he say?

I've definitely run into similar things and my problem was, I'd get angry while he was playing poker on the computer. I had much better luck talking to him in a neutral space.

It's frustrating, I know. And tell him YOU want a Wii. I guarantee that if you are playing a video game in your living room, he's going to come out and investigate. Not that I think a wii is an answer to all problems but it has been something my husband and I can do together. And it would be fun for your nephew and your friends... it's baby steps on these things.

[silverfish2007]

[Chupacabra]

I'm sorry TiffanyTJB. I would be just as upset about it if I were in your situation.

It wasn't until I realized that he *would* want to spend time with me after we were done doing our own things that I gained confidence in our relationship, thus making it super awesome.

I'm not sure I can give any advice, but I truly hope you guys work it out.
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Etsy!
Blog!

[irish*eyes]

[smalltowngirl]

[iscoolster]

my boy and i had/have this problem.

we have a scheduled "date night" every friday night. usually, we'll go out to dinner. sometimes, we'll rent a movie, too. sometime soon, i'm going to plan out something awesome for date night.

we watch football (and sometimes baseball and hockey) games together. i happen to like football, so this isn't a problem. i don't like baseball so much, so most of the time, i'll be knitting while he watches the game.

i've learned to video-game. we'll start the same game, and both play through separately, but watch each other play, and when i get stuck, i'll make him beat the big monster for me.

but, we do have the problem of not always eating together (i feel like we should have dinner together most nights), and he hardly ever goes to sleep when i do (but, he will almost always come cuddle with me if i ask him to).

i don't know. it's hard. i'm sorry you're going through this.
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but i'm still here, and small. so small.

(be sound.)

[LooseyMama]

It's one thing for "old married couples" to spend less time together, but honey, when the honeymoon's over BEFORE the honeymoon? That's a problem.

I'm glad you're already in therapy, and in premarital counseling. I hope you bring this up at your very next appointment, and don't let him brush it off.
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"Struggle is obsolete." -- my friend Barbara

[rhizome]

[anniebeegoode]

in answer to your original question, we do a lot of just hanging out:

- we always eat dinner together. usually i cook and he does the dishes
- on sunday nights we do our grocery shopping for the week together
- on tuesdays and thursdays, we go to the YMCA together. that usually takes up the entire evening since he gets home from work around 6:30 and my dance class is 7:40-8:40. (he lifts weights while i do the dance class- he doesn't go so far as to go to my girly dance class)
- we go out to eat most fridays.
- there are several shows that we watch together on tv. we have tivo so we can watch them whenever we want- big love, flight of the conchords, the office, etc.

he watches a lot of football during football season and that can make me feel neglected. this year, before the season started we got a big calendar and put all the games for his 2 teams for the entire season on the calendar so i would know which night were important game nights. we have been scheduling date nights on saturdays that aren't football nights.

he *does* keep his laptop in his lap a whole lot. this bothers me sometimes. i want to watch a tv show together or sit on the couch and just talk. he is the ultimate multitasker and will be surfing the web or writing a simple program at the same time. he can actually have the tv on, the computer on and a book in his lap! i would prefer to snuggle up in front of a show. but at least we are both on the same couch watching the same show.

lately, i've been spending more time on the internet in the evening with wedding planning stuff, but i'm ready for that to end. it's a bit sad when planning the wedding is taking away from time spent with the person you are marrying!

one thing we plan on talking about in our pre-marital counseling is spending more time together as well...

i think that it is hard for couples when both are working full-time and both need some time after work and on weekends to 1) pursue hobbies; 2) relax; 3) be with friends; 4) have time with extended family, etc. it can be hard to juggle limited time and energy but it is crucial to prioritize one another...

i think your chess and your wii ideas were so good. i hope that you can continue to pursue them. that way you can develop new hobbies for the two of you to share!
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I know it's not real, but lunchboxes
-flight of the conchords

[shortskirt]

Tiffany, I'm so sorry that you're hurt. I've been there, and I know it's not easy to feel neglected.
For about the first year that we lived together, we had the same fight weekly, if not nightly. He would go straight to the computer every night, stay on until bedtime, which was often a lot later than my bedtime, so, yeah. It really felt like I was living with a roommate, mostly because my old roommate was the same about the computer, only we didn't have any kind of relationship so I didn't care.
I guess what I didn't realize during the time that we were dating before we moved in together was that "computer" was what he did when he was at home. Like, all he did. And he really enjoys it. When we would fight about it, he would always explain that it's his way to unwind and relax, and kind of shut out real life for a while when he gets home from work. My response was always, "But why can't you unwind and relax with MEEE? We can do things that are relaxing together." Which seems totally reasonable, but the computer was how he ALWAYS HAD before, so he really didn't know. I had obviously never seen this side of him before, because when he was home alone and on the computer, I was at my home, doing what I did on my own time.
I tried to drag him out on dog walks, make him cook dinner with me, sit on the couch and read, he wouldn't even watch TV for crying out loud! It's his pattern, his habit, and he didn't want to break it.
When a WoW thread came up before, I remember someone on Glitter saying that they would have a really hard time telling a grown adult how to spend their time, and I did agree with that. I think after hearing that, I kind of changed my thinking about it. How could my needs be met without saying "NO COMPUTER". How was he willing to compromise and take baby steps towards changing his habit, but still be allowed to have his outlet for unwinding? I kind of asked myself, what would I be doing if we didn't live together? Why do I expect that all of a sudden, we'll do everything together? Because I don't even want to do everything together, just some things.

We started with no computer before dinner. He's not big on cooking like I am, but he'll stay in the same room and put away dishes or watch Food Network or just talk to me while I do cook. Then, after dinner, I'm usually ready for some alone time anyways for crafting or reading, so we do our own thing. We might come together later for a TV show we both like or a cuddle, but sometimes not. And somehow that works for me, because I know that tomorrow or the next day, there will be something for us to do together. We do have date nights about once a month where we go out for dinner and a movie or concert, and that really helps just to be out of the house together.

I really think that this is about the adjustment of living together. He's used to turning off from the rest of the world when he's at home, I just thought that he'd want to do the same stuff we'd done as a couple before. It's not that he doesn't want to, but he has a different idea of what he does at home than I do. And that's okay, but there needs to be a compromise, and everyone's needs need to be met.
I really love Pinkie's response. You kind of need to go your separate ways for a few hours so you both can nurture your individual selves. But everyone is right that you should come back together at some point. I do believe you can get there, but it takes time. It was well over a year of us living together before we found a balance that made us both happy.

[crookedtree]

[daircroi]

Tiffany...nobody should have to beg their significant other to pay attention to them. It's not even that it sounds like "not much of a relationship"--it sounds like none at all. He doesn't like to spend time with you, he doesn't care that he's hurting your feelings, he tells you what you will and won't like to do. I'm unimpressed to say the least.

You deserve better.
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And it was messy, but we were drunk. Story of my life, I guess? --oohlala

[VoodooToaster]

[Sleepyhouse]

You said he plays poker online?

Why not see if he wants to play cards with you, you know, in real life.

Or ask if he wants to play Poke -Her. ;)

[copperboom]

A lot of good suggestions have been made here. I think shortskirt's advice was great. My bf is a gamer too, so I understand.

Here's what we like to do:

- Cook and eat together. We try to cook a meal together at least once a week. We always eat meals together too even if we didn't cook.

- Exercise. We like to go for jogs together, and Mr. Boom is trying to teach me how to mountain bike.

- Play games. I got a Wii a while ago and we like to play games together on that. We also like to play board games, particularly Scrabble or Uno or card games.

- Watch TV. We get seasons of shows we like from Blockbuster and watch them together without multitasking.

- Go for walks. This gives us some time to talk when our lives get busy.

- Go to plays/concerts/movies.

- Explore our city and find new places and things to do.


I usually bring my knitting or the Wii to the bf's place. If he wants to play video games, I'll either knit in his room with him or he'll bring his laptop into the living room so we can play video games together. This isn't my favorite way to spend time with him, but at least we're in the same room.
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Too much cheesecake too soon.