Attachment Parenting

[jackierocket]

One of my girlfriends is doing this with her child. At first I was a little creeped out by it, but I've witnessed the amazing bond that they have.

Guess as a child free person, I was wondering about other parent's thoughts on it. And the fact that I have (until recently) never heard about it and know not so much about it.
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"Does that mean I have a superhero complex? Well, maybe. But shouldn't there be more heros in the world anyway?" - Moon
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[dance]

I guess there are a million ways to do it, like with anything. And you can take it as seriously as you want to...as a parent I get nervous about buying into any one thing hook, line and sinker.
I guess I do practice attachment parenting to a greater extent than the general population, though...Stella sleeps in our bed after she wakes up to nurse, so she's in there for like half the night or so. And for the first part of her life we really did hold her SO MUCH. SO MUCH. We wanted to. There has just been some sort of shift in the last month or so, and I can sense that I want to establish behavioral guidelines (no hitting, attempt to set protocol for temper tantrums, and so on). I can tell she gets things in a new way now, and that she can understand expectations that she couldn't have before.
I'm big on being in tune with kids, with respecting them as people rather than dictating and threatening. But I do think there should be calm, consistent boundaries set.
I just cannot *stand* it when I see people ignore or talk down to their kids. Why even have the child if you don't want to communicate with her? I say that part more as a preschool teacher than as a parent.
I don't even know f I am making sense- sorry, I'm sick and sleepy. Maybe I will be able to say what I mean after I see what some other people say.
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[merededeux]

I consider AP my parenting philosophy. Some people will say it makes spoiled children but it's not about giving in to the child all the time. It's about taking cues from your child and base their foundations of learning and discipline on that. Some children need more structure than others in order to function and some simply don't. It's a non-cookiecutter approach in that every child is different and nothing works for everyone. The point is to be open to ideas that make your child comfortable like child-led nursing, co-sleeping, slinging/carrying the baby, non-violent discipline techniques and such. It's supposed to encourage independence by making children more confident and comfortable with themselves by allowing them to learn what works best for them.

I've had two different reactions from my two girls. My oldest didn't like to sleep with us, didn't like to be carried around much and she's a big people-person, very friendly. She does better with a routine (although we're flexible) and established great sleeping habits early on. My second doesn't like sleeping alone, has no predictable schedule and is a bit stranger-shy. She also sleeps like a newborn STILL. I'm hoping those issues iron themselves out soon and I've started gently encouraging a more scheduled day to see if that helps her. Sometimes it's difficult but I keep telling myself it's good for the girls.

[scarlet]

another practicer here.
it just made sense to me. in a way my mother raised me in the same style without having a name for it..i slept with my parents until i was 7.

my children both went from co-sleeper to bed with us, were worn most days in a sling and breastfed on-demand rather than by schedule. both my daugther (almost 5) and son (almost 2) are completely different though. my son is more independant, likes more food varieties and seems generally more low-maintenance than my daughter ;) i wasn't as confident in the AP approach with my daughter so we were inconsistent at first and tried using a crib once in a while (i had a lot of resistance from relatives and was made to feel like not having her in her own bed was selfish in some way!) but looking back on it, those were the hardest times..and when we just relaxed and stopped worrying about doing her harm her sleeping improved and so did ours! both of my kids are very free-spirited, creative and self-confident compared to some other kids their age we know. i have *no* idea if that is compliments of AP or not, but i do feel that it played at least some part.

we're also planning on homeschooling and starting our first year of it next month. and in true AP style were following more of an un-schooling approach than a heavily structured one.
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[LooseyMama]

There are about a zillion different practices that can be attached to the term "attachment parenting," jackierocket and not every AP parent does all of them. I'm wondering if there were specific aspects of what your girlfriend is doing that we can respond to, maybe help you understand our perspective on different practices.

I follow(-ed) a lot of attachment parenting concepts, although I grew pretty weary pretty quick of the whole Dr. Sears guru thing. But we co-slept with our boys and very, very, verrrry slowly adjusted them to sleeping in a room separate from us. Now that they're almost 5 years old and 6.5, we still lay down with them (in their beds, now) every night to read and talk and snuggle with them until they fall asleep. I'm transitioning both of them to learning how to fall asleep alone, but in reality, this is the ONLY time they have with their daddy during the weekday, since he goes to work long before they wake up and only comes home shortly before their bedtime, so I think it would be cruel to "send them to their rooms to bed" as a regular practice.

I also breastfed both of my boys until they were about three years old (although obviously each of them were also eating table food by that point: nursing does fabulous things for their immune system, for a mother's hormonal balance, and for bonding and their human needs for safety and connection). We breastfed on demand (with adjustments when necessary for mama), we practiced child-led weaning (mostly: again, after several years of breastfeeding, I wore out before #2 son did, if he were totally left to his own devices -- "devices!" ha!).

At this age, they're both pretty independent, now, but I think they're "attached" in the best ways: my kids aren't afraid of me or Mr. Mama, they aren't afraid to let us (and everyone) know how they feel (even when they disagree with us) ... basically, I wouldn't describe them as fearful kids in any way, which, to me, is a reflection of how I wanted my parenting choices to be different from the way I was raised. We also keep an eye on the balance of our childrens' needs and our own needs as adults: our roles as parents is child-centered, but we also maintain respect and space to get our grown-up needs met, as well.


I think maybe I'm babbling at this point and not talking about whatever it is that struck you as unusual, jackierocket. So, yeah, if you want to say more about what your friend is doing that surprises or creeps you out, then maybe we can be more specific and tell you if those practices work(-ed) for us and why ... or why not ... or what we do instead that works better/equally well for us.

Before I had children, I was pretty sure that I knew How Parenting Should Be Done, and I had a pretty narrow idea of What Was Right. The longer that I am a parent, my views become somewhat stronger, but also broader and less judgmental, with lots of room for parental needs being met, as well.
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"Struggle is obsolete." -- my friend Barbara

[skybluepink]

We are also attachment parenting. Everyone else seems to have covered the hows and whys so I'll just add this. Whatever extra inconvenience* AP may create early on for the parents, I'm hoping there will be some payback as time goes on. Mr. Pink & I have an wonderfully close relationship with our son. We are hoping his attachment now will allow him to grow into a secure, confident and caring person.

*Which is not to imply that it's all about inconvenience for the parents either. I love cosleeping with my son. And I'm thrilled about the close bond we have. By inconvenience I mean not having a set schedule for breastfeeding, night nursing, and dealing with more of a gradual response to discipline that isn't reinforced with "punishments"**.

**Also not in any way implying that non-attachment parenters are evil, beat their children and send them out to play in traffic all the time. There's obviously many shades of gray here.
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[slowgraffiti220]

i follow a lot of AP practices, but i generally don't conider myself to be an attachment parenter, or whatever you would call it, as i don't generally adhere to the philosophy behind it. i also seriously disagree with their aproach to disipline, as i was raised like this and HATED it. it might work for some kids, but for me, i really wanted more definate bounderies and obvious consequences. i suppose if seb does fine without a lot of rules, i won't add to my workload by having a bunch, but i am definately fine with a standard appraoch to this sort of thing (well, sans corporal punishmet and all).

we co-sleep for a good part of the night and it works pretty well for us. seb tends to wake up and come to bed with us at about 2-4 until about 5-7, depending. this really is perfect, because it lets my husband and i have time in bed with just us, so sex still happens on occasion, but lets seb be more comfy and gives us all cuddle time. i think it's human nature to tend to want someone to sleep with -- it makes you feel less vulnerable and isgenerally pleasant. we notice that just being in between us, not necessarily cuddling or anything, helps seb to be able to self-soothe more. i fought against co-sleeping for a while because my whole family gave me shit about it, but now i could give a rat's booty. i think that sleeping all together is one of the best parts of having the little squeako.

even though i wasn't able to breastfeed, we still "nurse" on demand, on his own schedule. he's almost got "baba" down, so this is getting easier on us all. and right now, if i think he's hungry i can take him to his bottle warmer and ask him, "hungry? do you want a baba? if you want one, say 'yes'," and he will say "jesss!" when hungry and shake his head when not. i mean, i don't know how people do a schedule with that... if he ain't hungry, he won't eat it. i do try to keep a schedule with solid food, though, as it seems to be easier on both of us. i think this is because solid food is not something that fills him up as much... formula is still his main source of food satisfaction, so if he skips food he doesn't seem to ask for it, he'll try to make up with formula. if we get a little wonk on our schedule, it's not a big deal, but i do find that the day tends to go by with a bit less ease.

i found following a schedule and trying to make him do things he didn't want to do (like sleep in his bed after 3am) much more inconvenient than letting him set his own little lifestyle. either way you're at his beck and call, so i feel like, why add the stress of a big power struggle? i want to pick and choose my battles, so to speak, and only drive myself crazy trying to drive home important things, like "don't bite mommy," and "no smacking, that hurts!"
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[Chiquita]

just to throw this in... it is never too late to start with the AP approach - my little guy was probably 2 -1/2 before I heard of this and we incorporated many of the ideas (though he always preferred to sleep alone) and even now I often love the books my AP practicing friends recommend - good ideas are all around and you only have to do those things that are right for you and your child

[jackierocket]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I guess I didn't phrase myself correctly when I said "It creeped me out". It just threw me for a loop, being raised in the 1950's sense of child rearing (even though it was the 70's, my folks were a throwback). So 10 negative wording points for me.

I was simply surprised that my girlfriend had her 6 year old still sleeping in the same bed with her every night. Miss 6 year old is very well adjusted, well spoken, and when she isn't trying to cheat at Candyland, adorable. I had never heard of AP before, and her approach baffled me. I'm rather kid-stupid, so an alternative version of child rearing never entered my head. Girlfriend is also home-schooling (another thing I never considered), and that also tossed my head. I'm pleased that there options out there for parents and I think they are wonderful (I come from the "I wish I was raised by Auntie Mame" school of thought, as I was raised more by the banker guy in the movie).

In the past 2 weeks (between Girlfriend and the board), I've learned a lot. Please keep your experiences/opinions coming!
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"Does that mean I have a superhero complex? Well, maybe. But shouldn't there be more heros in the world anyway?" - Moon
Round Robin Swap

[frenchdots]

I'm childfree too, but a lot of the stuff that I've read on AP sounds just really really sensible. Labour-intensive, sure, but y'know, it'd be harder to think of any work worth doing more than deeveloping a fantastic bond with your kid. In fact, a major part of why I'm childfree is that I really think this style of parenting is the optimum and I am simply not up to the task.

My mum sort of wistfully said one time that she wished she had picked us (me& sis) up more/earlier when we cried and had us sleep closer as that was her instinct but she just dutifully followed the dominant child-rearing ethos, thinking if everyone was doing it, and all the books said it was wrong to have your baby sleep with you, it must be true. Me and my sister turned out okay but I felt sad FOR MY MOM that she felt that she couldn't act on her natural feelings. It's sad, that there seems to be this underlying fear that if a mother is allowed to follow their desire to meet the baby's need spontaneously and on the child's schedule, this will somehow be harmful to the child.

[melmelon]

you know, MlleEmily, its never too late for the ap approach...tell your mum she's still free to pick you up and hold you....or if she wants, you and your sister can still sleep with her...of course....your husband might have issues with that, but you can't please everyone....
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“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, one finds it attached to the rest of the world.”
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[frenchdots]

^^^Tee hee! ^^^