Boys eye view....big girls.

[Nab]

Oh,buddy, that kind of sucks. I can attest to Kneesocky's foxyness for real, but quite frankly, I don't give guys much credit, like, ever, to be able to appreciate all forms of beauty.

I also think that internet dating is bad, mainly because it delays that physical part of things. At least when you meet someone in real life first, you see them immediately exactly as they are and there's no disappointment, expectations, because it's all obvious from the get go, at least as far looks and attraction are concerned.

As others have attested to, it is absolutely possible to find someone who's worthy of you and is totally, head-over-heels attracted to you. I don't think you should accept any less. I personally know have been in both situations -- where I knew the guy wasn't that attracted to me and my current squeeze, who's mad for me-- and it makes a world of difference to the relationship and to my own confidence level in the relationship.

You deserve the best. Don't forget that.
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I've been learning to drive my whole life

[kneesocky]

Aw, thanks Nab!

I should make myself clear here though - I've never ever felt like he wasn't attracted to me or into me. He's uhhh... pretty good at letting me know *just* how into me he is...

It's the other stuff hearing that made me think of.

I'm glad he didn't lie & was totally honest with me. Last night he asked if everything was okay & I went into the same stuff I posted here. Turns out he lost about 50lbs once in his life & was *actually* a great sounding board for what I had to say. I told him I really didn't want to be this weight all my life & that the one time I *did* lose weight I started getting attention from boys all over the place & it just made me so skeptical of them. would they still have been interested if they knew that I once ballooned up to 270lbs?

It's sort of weird because all of the chubby girls I know are really strong & confident but we all sort of know there's this really present layer in all of us that's vulnerable & self questioning.

ooog.

[Sainte Eph]

Wow, this has been a really interesting thread to read! I can't really say that this applies to me per se but I have had something similar happen in regard to "types."

When my boy and I first started dating, we'd get naked and I felt kind of ashamed of my body. People always tell me I have a great figure and I suppose it's not bad but while I'm kind of "skinny" I'm definitely not "in shape" at all. I'm pretty flabby and I have little definition (and little boobs!).

He'd say how gorgeous I looked, how amazing my body was and I was kind of like "really? wow." and he said "well you're the skinniest girl I've ever dated..." I've met 3 of his exes and seen pictures of a few more online - yup, they were all much more voluptuous than I.

And I came across some of his porn bookmarks a while back - a few are specifically images of "larger ladies." So I'm thinking - is he really into big ladies but just settling for a skinny, shapeless gal like me?

No! He adores me! And I know that the way my body looks has nothing to do with how he feels about me.

I don't know if that made sense....but yeah. It sounds like you have a sweet guy though. And like others have said, you're HOTT.

-Stephanie
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No fork left behind!

[wingnut]

a couple of things, lovely kneesocky...

1. i am a skinnyminny, always have been. but i love love love a larger man. my husband weighs twice as much as i do and there is nothing in the world like hugging him. not every thin person seeks the same. i think he is utterly beautiful and sexy and gorgeous. and no part of me wishes he'd lose weight at all. don't worry that he's into "despite of" your size. he must be mad about you - all of you.

2. for your man to admit what he has is, i think, really brave. i think on some level, all of us are size-ist - how could we not be, with the world presented to us as it is. as with dealing with any type of -ism, you first have to acknowledge your involvement in it before you can fully understand the bullshit that is our world.

good luck, girl!

[happyhats]

First of all, kneesocky, you are hot. Second of all, I totally understand the thing about carrying your weight well. I don't tell people my stats because it makes me feel like I sound much bigger than I am. Once you've seen me in the flesh however, I'm not so shy to share my clothing size and wieght.

Thirdly, I've never actually dated my "type" Ya know, the guys that you see in the movies and on the street and automatically swoon for. My type was always slightly effimate, pale, long haired, thin guys. My first crush was more of a square shouldered, large boned (not fat, but more boxy if you get my meaning), short haired and defenitely not gothic or effeminate. It was the same with my first boyfriend, who I dated for five and have years. I loved both of those men, and I was very much physically attracted to them, but I don't know that I would have checked them out on the street either. While my current boyfriend is closer to the physical type I swoon for, we did meet online so I can only speculate that I would have approached him from seeing him out somewhere.

I don't think I've necessarily been the type all of these guys were originally attracted to either, but I do believe that they were attracted to me, and that other guys have been as well. You can see an image of what you want, but the way someone acts and carries themselves, both physically and mentally, is really what will make them sexy to you.
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keep it simple

[silverfish2007]

kneesocky, thank you so much for starting this thread!

this is something that i guess i have always "thought" about but always in a more abstract/internal way. i am bigger, i wear a size 14 or 16, and my husband is skinny (but not athletic, actually i am probably more athletic than he is!)

here's a picture of us from our wedding just for reference:

+ View larger


i guess i have thought about whether people look at us and wonder what he sees in me. ive never had a problem meeting guys and have had quite a few boyfriends/relationships (more than my skinny husband!) but when i was younger sometimes i would wonder if a guy didnt like me because i was overweight. like, did they think i was cool and pretty and everything, and they would be into me if only i wasnt??

my husband tells me all the time that i am beautiful and etc. so i really think my probelm is just with myself. he's never said anything i considered insensitive, or if he has i brushed it off and forgot, because i cant think of anything. once he said he wanted to take my measurements so he could order me a present online and i was like "hell no you are not taking my measurements!!!" haha.

when i was in high school i was more worried about it, but i still do think about it quite a bit "man if i lost 40 pounds i would be a total knockout!" i dont really know how to get that out of my head (aside from losing 40 pounds).
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candy to carrots

[frenchdots]

I've been thinking about how the media really fucks us over with our expectiations and perceptions of our own attractiveness...

I think sometimes we would all do well to look around the actual world and see who's hooking up rather than being influenced by tv/movies to think certain types of people go together... like the two biggest girls I know are dating (well actually one;s married to) the two most 'convetionally handsome' men of our group. That's not to put down my two gal pals who I and many others think are hotties, but basically people with their looks would not be paired up on the OC.

[shine]

ms. kneesocky, i'm seconding, thirding, 4th-ing, etc., what many others have said: i've always thought you were one hot thing. and, from what i've remembered about your posts you seem to be living life fully, having fun with friends, posing for crazy photos, offering well thought out advice, sharing your wisdom, and so on.

i'm bummed that you have been feeling down about the convo your and your bf had a few days ago. as you've shared more of the story, it's evident that he's mature and honest, and real good inside. i'm glad that you've been talking it out with him and that you both are understanding the other's feelings. good communication is a sign of a great relationship.

our world puts such emphasis on certain body types--often those glamed up hollywood types or the victoria's secret models. really though, women (and men) come in so many shapes, sizes, colors, textures, densities, ya know? the focus on food and body size can really twist up one's brain, and take up so much of one's time.

i've battled body issues before. it's no fun at all. it's impossible to love yourself if you hate the skin and flesh you live in. upon a friend's recommendation i tracked down an awesome book called a waist is a terrible thing to mind: a wake up call. it's out of print, but can be found used on amazon (and maybe your local library). it's a collection of stories told by women of myriad backgrounds. it tackles the topics of weight, size and beauty. i shared my copy with a coworker, and i recommend this title whenever i can. i found it very helpful.

[thinkgeek]

First, I just wanted to add that everytime I see your avatar, I always think you're totally hot & wish I was that hot (I've always been more of a "cute"... blah).

I would add more, but I'm not sure I can say anything positive about this topic because I'm struggling with something similar in my own way. I was a size 8/10 when I met my husband and now I'm a size 14-16 (I'd guess I've gained about 40 pounds since then)... he's gained weight too, but I feel like my weight gain causes more of a stir than his has (from the women in my family). I think we were really similar in size then & still are now, but somehow I manage to convince myself that I'm fat & he's not. I never look at him and think he's fat, so I try to convince myself that he does the same (and for all I know, he does... he only ever says that he loves my body). It's just a difficult situation... I always thought I was fat back when I wore a size 8 and getting over the size number is proving to be fairly difficult.

So, anyway, I can't help or offer advice, but I can tell you that I have always admired your total babe-ness. : )

[petunia_843]

I have known a lot of big girls in my life happily dating and married to really hot, awesome guys. I used to blame my lack of dating on my size, but really, it was just because I was fucked up. I was up to about a 16 (my current size) and I would turn down guys who asked me out because I didn't want a guy who wanted me exactly the way I am--I suppose it in a way was self loathing. I fell in unrequited love for the umpteenth time with a guy who thought I was too fat at a size 10, which I got down to and STILL wasn't good enough. And in this time period, passed up like 5 other guys who wanted to date me exactly the size I was.

I was a dumbass. I remember one of the guys, this really hot musician named Tony, hinting to me one time that he liked bigger women. At the time, I had just lost 70 pounds, and for someone to tell me that they liked bigger women, and considered ME to be that "bigger" woman, it just pissed me off totally and I stopped talking to him after that. I felt so belittled by that comment--I likened it to a woman telling a man that she liked "smaller" men--there ain't a man alive that wants to be told he's "smaller" in regards to ANYTHING, and that's how being categorized as a "bigger" woman made me feel. Stupid mind games, but true. Well, Tony was true to his word--he moved on to a woman "bigger" than I was. And I moved on to more starvation and self hatred trying to ever be good enough for a vaccuos prick.

[TiffanyTJB]

Reading your post reminded me of the short guys thread called "Help me guys, I'm shallow" where we discussed this, only we were talking about men's height issues.

IMHO, I dislike guys with beards but if I met one online and we talked and I thought he was super cool and funny I would probably overlook the beard, but on the street if I did not know him I would not even notice him because I'd only see the beard and automatically go "not my type."
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"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Ehrmann

[Polesmoker69]

from your picture you look fine. and not like someone i would stare at, at all.
but i know what you mean. my first real boyfriend was and still is a little tiny stick, but he likes chubby girls. and i was into him too, but i did feel weird about having sex with him and stuff, cause i would be naked, and he would actually see me, but it didnt faze him at all, he liked ME, and thats what matter.
the only thing that did kinda bug me was when some one like my step sister would make a comment like "oh andrew likes fat girls, eh?" huh yeah thanks.

[eliza_beth]

I'm a size 8 but I'm familiar with that same feeling of only seeing my big ol' belly when I take my clothes off in front of my boy. I don't think for me it has anything to do with what I really look like but just what's in my head about how I feel about myself.

I have to just say that I think there are people in the world who are attracted to the person as a whole. The personality, the smile, the sense of humor all make the body more attractive. Once I'm in a relationship the kinds of things that turn me on or off about a person are completely different than just thinking a guy across the room is cute. I kind of think of it in the same way as I might look at one of my family members. I can't see them or my husband without knowing how much I love them and all of the things I know about them so it would be hard for me to judge them against some picture of physical perfection.

[Nab]

[Amber]

The world can really mess with your head, we all have body image issues and stuff, and yeah fat girls have a tough break sometimes, but when it comes down to real people and real life, I think that size isn't as big of a factor as we tend to think it is sometimes. I'm a size 20, I've been thick since my early teenage years.

I think people will look past your size proportionally to how much YOU look past it. I've found (especially with guys I've been interested in) that how much confidence I have, and how I carry myself tends to affect how they react to my looks. Confidence is everything. If you think you're amazing and you work it, they will too.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, but when we first got together we had several conversations about this, and he echoed what I'm saying as well.

PS kneesocky you're hot. I'd totally check you out. :)