Boys eye view....big girls.

[kneesocky]

I've been dating a boy for almost 2 months now. I'm totally crazy for him & he treats me awesomely & is always telling me how cute he thinks I am & how attracted to me he is etc....which is weird because I really am not used to hearing that sort of stuff. *Especially* from boys.

Yesterday we were walking to dinner & I casually asked him "So, if we didn't know each other & you saw me on the street or at a bar or something, would you check me out?"

his answer: <silence>......."I don't know"... followed by "probably not."

I felt really weird about it - mostly since I was making small talk & I didn't for one second expect him to not be sure. I *at least* thought he'd say something like "maybe..."

We met online & he said that when he first saw me he thought "wow, she's big" but then he saw how I carried myself & he forgot about thinking I was big & now he doesn't consider it an issue. BUT he also said that he's never really gone for heavy girls. He said I turned that around for him & he's actually started to notice lots of cute chubby girls.

Dinner was tense & I just kept thinking about how all along my thoughts on how it's because I'm big that I'm rarely approached by boys or thought of romantically by men were right. I thought of all the times I've been snubbed by men or stood up & how honestly, it HAS to be because I'm pretty big. I thought of how real an issue sizism is & wondered if most peoples first impression of me is "wow, she's big". I kept it in control & managed not to cry during dinner.

My problem here wasn't with my boyfriend. I can't fault people for what they're initially attracted to - I think boy is super cute & I'm wildly attracted to him but he's not what I *normally* go for. I guess the thing that was getting me so down was how girls with junk in the trunk are sort of dismissed by boys. Cruising craigslist's 'men looking for women' section I see numerous "i like bbws....e-mail me!".. with no mention of their interests or other personality traits they'd like to find in a mate. Are they just thinking big girls are an easy pick-up?

I just sort of wanted to get this out.

My boyfriend & I get along so well, we have tons in common, we like listening to what each other has to say.. but it just sort of bums me out that we wouldn't have hooked up if he just saw me out somewhere... I *KNOW* that I'd at least have a passing 'aw, he's cute!' thought if I saw him before I knew him.

Things are fine with us now & he's expressed deep regret for how he answered my question & I think a lot of what had me upset was just realizing that a lot of my suspicions about other peoples preception of me are truer than I hoped they were.

Anyway.....uh...... thoughts? I guess I just wanted to get that all out there.

[veganfairy]

Wow. From your picture, kneesocky, you don't look big at all...just pretty :) You seem healthy and confident, for the most part, so who cares? It sucks that he said he probably wouldn't have noticed you, but at least he was HONEST, and he must really like you.
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[bethoufunky]

[fleur-de-lis]

Egad, I've always thought you were totally hot. I would get whiplash checking you out if I ran into you on the street.

But yeah, it's a really weird thing to hear, especially from your boyfriend. I do think that our cuteness and attractiveness comes out as we get to know people, so he may not have noticed you until he knew you, you know?

Or are you pretty certain it's definitely a size thing for him? If you are, then I just sigh heavily with you, cuz people have distinct interests and fetishes and sometimes only can see what they want to see. It must be hard to know him and know he's a good person, but to have this werd vibe about him being size-ist (or being so before he knew you?) floating between you.

It's frustrating no matter what, but man, you're so smart and confident and beautiful and charismatic that it makes it all the crazier.

I'm sorry. I can't do much but help you process, but I hope you feel better about these feelings soon.

[kneesocky]

thanks for thinking I'm hot. Means a lot coming from pretty little numbers like you girls!

[bethoufunky]

ohhh i've been that girl in the restaurant so many times! and now that i too have a boy, and i see that girl, i'm always inclined to say something too.

kneesocky i've been with mine for years and he's never been anything but surreal when it comes to admiring my body - i mean, barrel-fulls more validation than i could ever hope for or expect - and even so part of me is *sure* that he must cringe when he catches a glimpse of me clenching my cottage cheesey ass or crawling naked across the bed to grab a book, boobs swaying and dragging like dumbells (sp?).

that's how i see it in my mind sometimes, anyway, and i'm sure that's not what he sees at all. i have this sketch of a starving-thin girl looking in a full length mirror and her reflection looks like she weighs 400 pounds. it's all too easy to let our minds get so stuck in that space that we think everyone else inhabits that same headspace, too.

maybe your boy is someone who's never had to think about body-size issues, and so it's just never come up for him. and now that he has thought about it, he realizes there's no reason to limit himself to skinny girls. but i would feel sorta weird and sad if my guy hadn't come to that realization until me, too.

ps - if you do want to feel more in control of your body (not for appearances but for health reasons) i would strongly recomend talking to a nutritionist. after a couple visits and learning some basic information, for the first time in my life i feel totally in control of my weight - because knowledge is power! being totally in control of what i crave and therefore eat is another story altogether hehe.

[delqc]

[bethoufunky]

wow, our stories are really similar - mine's really slim and in shape (climber), and our third night together the lights were on! the lights were on! and he took off my shirt and we had a similar exchange, and my attitude started changing right there.

[aether]

Another consideration for his response, is perhaps he just doesn't check out people on the street (or anywhere). Hard to believe, but some people live more in their own heads than the external world, and don't even notice the hottest of chicks walking down the street... I was like this for most of my life and most of the guys I dated were like this.

An interesting twist on this, if you are really keen on this guy, and want to learn more about him, is to honestly ask him what does turn his head on the street. And then you can tell him what you like. It makes people-watching a lot of fun.

[bratgirl]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It sounds like he is just growing as a person. AND that he feels comfortable enough with you to be honest. He has already admitted to checking out other chubby girls. He just never thought about it before (or the media has jammed it down his throat that all women are size 2 and have perky boobs).

I think we just like what we like, and then when you meet the person, everything changes. I cannot tell how many times I met my dream guy phsyically, only to find out he had the personality of a sheet of paper and it is amazing how UNattactive they suddenly become.

A perfect example is my best friend who ALWAYS dated dark hair, dark eyed, shorter (5'8-5'10)skinny soccer player type guys. She married a 6'3", blond haired, blue eyed ex-football player. COMPLETELY, not her type and he is perfect for her. She wouldn't have looked at him twice on the street and he's a hunky guy.

I say count yourself lucky you met a great guy, that you like, who likes you too, and who is honest. That's a rare combination.

m.

p.s. I agree with Bethoufunky that a nutritionist is the best way to have more control over your body.

[inky]

[fortunate]

I think attraction is such a complicated thing...it's hard to say in advance (or in retrospect) who you will or won't be attracted to. I try not to ask those sort of questions because I feel like no good would come of it. If someone I was with said "no, I wouldn't have been attracted to you", I would feel shitty and unattractive, no matter their justification for saying that. But if they said "yes, of course I would have been attracted to you", I wouldn't take their word at that, and I would constantly try to figure out what kind of girls he used to like and hold myself to their standards of beauty...I would wonder if he was just into me because I'm a big girl and he likes big girls, or if I was an exception he made just because I'm cool.

But I think the important part is whether (and why) he is attracted to you, not how you fit into the scope of all the people he's ever been attracted to.
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[rawrlie]

one of my good friends has a fetish for "bigger girls" and likes to talk about this fact pretty often. as a "bigger girl" myself, it makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially because i'm pretty much the only "big girl" he knows, and i always kind of wonder if he's attracted to me under the surface because of that [especially because blah blah blah we dated for like, four seconds blah blah blah]. i know that everyone has different things that turn them on. but being overweight is like, the number one thing i absolutely depsise about myself, the one thing that has always kept me down over the years and made me feel like less of a person compared to other, more "average" looking kids. and the fact that someone would like me just because i'm fat feels...disrespectful, almost. and really frustrating and unfair. i don't want to just be somebody's fetish. i just want to be loved or liked or whatever because i'm me, dammit.

oh man, though, i would have been in tears if my boyfriend had said that to me. weight is such a rough issue if you're not the "right" size. it really just sucks because why does there even have to be a "right" size? why can't everybody just live how they want to live and sucks to everyone else? sigh. sorry i don't have more to add, i've had a few drinks tonight and i'm not really in the clearest state of mind. but i do agree with everyone else; you're totally cute! if i was ambling around toronto and saw you walking down the street, i would totally ask for your digits. and yes, i did just say digits. i am not ashamed.
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[Tinkerbelle]

Here is something I can relate to, being a fellow big girl (albeit shrinking one) myself.

I would be just as bothered as you too...

I had a nice little incident of my own on last weekend. I didn't find out until Monday that this happened. (X-posted from another forum I participate in)

Last Saturday night I was out clubbing with friends. Being young and sometimes stupid, I was "dancing" with two different guys, both of which I kissed (at separate times).

Anyway, Newboy went to get me a drink of water. As he walked towards the bar some RANDOM guy went up to him and asked him if he liked "big girls". When he asked this guy what he meant, he said "You know, fat chicks."

B told the guy to shut the f*ck up or he would quite happily take it outside, and told him how much he liked me and how gorgeous I was.

He was pretty shocked a stranger commented on it.

WTF would make someone do that? What would they hope to achieve? I don't get it.

Then on Thursday, we went out for a little while. On the way home he said to me "You know, I went out with a bigger girl when I was younger. I was so ashamed of her I didn't want anyone to know I was with her. I swore I would never go for a big girl again...but that changed when I met you."

I was speechless. I went from being in the mood for some lovin' to the point where I did not want him touching me at all. Especially as I was worried he was embarrassed about me from the start but knowing that made it a whole lot worse.

I told him that comment really hurt and how worried I was that he was embarrassed of me. He said it came out the wrong way...but I'm not so sure. Last night we had sex and I was too petrified to let him see me naked. I wouldn't even let him watch me get undressed or get into the spa (also naked).

He keeps telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. When I told him I lost 2.6 kg last week (roughly 5/6 pounds) he said to me "Baby, I love you just the way you are. Anything like that is just a bonus."

More than anything, I am worried about all the random guys that must comment to him about my size. And I wonder if he will turn around and say "I can't take this anymore," and go off to find someone more deserving of him than I am.

[geekychic]

this is such an interesting converstaion. i just sort of went through this same type of thing with my boyfriend. we got these pictures from when i moved last year and i have lost a bit of weight since then. well, he sees this picture and goes "god, you look so fat"...and i got *pissed*. i said "you always told me i wasn't fat then, but you obviously think that *that* is fat..so you tell me you love my body now how can i believe you..." and on and on ad nauseum.

sometimes i think my body rules and it's differnet and it's *art* and my stretch marks are stories and my cottage cheese ass is just a texture people aren't used to seeing and my pendulously gigantic boobs are just a genetic throughback to all the women who came before me. but most of the time i feel like a big fatty.

sometimes i hear girls talk about how they don't want to be someones fetish and they don't want them to like them just becausde of their size...but smaller girls deal with that all the time. BUT we as a society think "that guy likes big girls..what a freak!" or something and that's NUTS. why should his preference be wierder than a guy who likes very slim girls.

anyway. i think kneesocky is hot. i think she (and pretty much all the girls who've posted on glitter) would be hot whatever they weighed. i think it's pretty cool that her boyfreind is honest. i think it's awesome that she is opening him up to being able to look past what we are told to be attrached to. that he is seeing that women of all sizes are beautifull. that's an awesome thing to do for another person.

anyway, i still would have freaked out about it. it's easier to look in and say this stuf because it wasn't me who got my feelings hurt.

i'm babbling at this point.
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